While I was at a trauma treatment facility there were assignments we were given to complete. It was extremely hard work. The first one I am going to share with you is the first letter I work, which was the letter to my future selves and a letter from my future selves. I say, “selves” because I have dissociative identity disorder. I have had this disorder my entire life. It is a disorder in which the brain splits and creates different versions of yourself at different ages. Some people have different names for each alter or part of them, but I do not. All my alters or parts have names which are variations of my own name. The brain splits like this during times of trauma. For me it was extreme trauma brought on by being birthed into a satanic cult (more about that in future posts).
Here are the letters I wrote
A Letter To My Future Selves:
I’m so tired. I feel like I’m getting lost in all these memories. I’m afraid to die but I’m more afraid live. Everyday and night you guys give me more memories and I have horrendous flashbacks. These new memories are so evil. I really don’t know how we lived through all of it.
How were you able to cope with it? Why didn’t you tell anyone? Doctors have told me I am beyond help and will never heal from all of this trauma. I’m trying not to give up on us, but it is hard and tiring.
I feel dirty, cheap, unworthy, disgusting, and unloveable. I’m really scared. I’m in this dark pit that is really deep. It’s pitch black with no light. I’ve been waiting for someone to throw a rope down and say they will help me. Or I’m standing on a bridge. My feet are on the edge getting ready to jump and be done with this life. I’m waiting for someone to hold out their hand and tell me they will be there for me and that I can make it through this nightmare. Nobody is coming.
I’m going to give us one more chance. I’m going to try and protect all of us. Please be patient with me.
A Letter From My Future Selves:
We are so proud of you, of all of us. We did it! We finished our book and now we are doing what we only dared to dream before. We are helping others through our pain.
We want to thank you for protecting us and listening to us even to your own detriment. We know it’s not easy living with all of us and you have done it all with grace. We all want you to know you are stronger than you thought and braver than you believe.
We are so sorry for what our memories did to you. We watched you suffer wishing we could help you. Thank you for getting help for yourself and for us. It was extremely hard and made you uncomfortable because you had to be vulnerable and not in control. It was all worth it because we are all healing. Remember, it’s a process and probably a lifelong journey for us. We will have to fight everyday for our healing. We are all worth the time it takes us to heal. Thank you so much for helping us.