Realizing Life Was Not Normal

After the rape of 1999, I was in a state of constant fear, depression, anxiety, insomnia, and PTSD. The effects of the rape were also showing up in my physical body. I started having daily migraines, fibromyalgia, and intestinal issues. I still struggle with those today, in fact I deal with chronic migraines everyday. I went to the Mayo Clinic to try and figure out what was causing all my pain and chronic conditions. They did not have any answers for me. I was devastated by that news.

I worked with a therapist for 10 years to help me deal with my depression, anxiety, fear, and PTSD. This helped me deal with some of the flashbacks, panic attacks, and anxiety. I learned a lot about myself during those sessions. Eventually, I came to realize during the last year of therapy we were talking more about her trauma than mine and I had to say goodbye. I also have been seeing a psychiatrist since 1999. I have been on many medications; some helped and some didn’t. I felt like I was a guinea pig for trying out medications because most of them did not work. It was very frustrating. I am still struggling with finding the right mix of medications.

In 2016 after my shift as a wellness nurse I was raped in the parking lot of my work. It was pouring rain outside, so much so that there were flash flood warnings throughout the state. In the area I was raped was the slope down in to the drainage of the parking lot. He held my head under the water. I was in shock that this was happening to me again. I froze and was unable to move as he assaulted me. He almost killed me by drowning me and I almost let him because I felt so much shame about letting this happen to me again. Something in me snapped and I decided I wanted to live so I fought to pull my head up out of the water and try to breathe.

After he was done I was soaked and in shock. I got up and drove home. When I got home I showered and went to bed even tough my husband was asking what was wrong. That night was when I had my first memory of what happened to me from ages 18 months to 24. I’m going to stop for today because I’m getting really triggered.

Published by Lizzie

I'm a trauma survivor on her journey of healing

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