I feel like I’m in some sort of waiting game. New memories of my traumatic past. Memories I don’t want to know. I don’t get asked if I want these memories. If I did, I would say no thank you.
A person’s brain is so remarkable. It can actually compartmentalize trauma and lock it away making it seem to the person everything’s completely normal when it’s not. My brain did that and did it so well I had parts or alters break apart and hold memories for me.
If you would have asked me twenty years ago if I had different people in my head I’d would’ve said absolutely not. It wasn’t until it was explained to me that “normal” people do not have several different voices inside their head. I thought everyone had these since mine had been there for as long as I could remember. It shocked me to the core when I found out I had dissociative identity disorder because I was told this usually happens when someone experiences trauma at a young age. That wasn’t me I thought. I had a “normal” childhood.
So anyways writing this blog has made my brain say “Hey there, you seem to be handling things better now so how about some new memories?” Nope don’t want them thank you. But, again, I don’t get a say just like I didn’t get a say when they started in 2016 after a brutal sexual assault. So yeah, it takes more time for me to write a blog post because of what it triggers inside my mind. I will just keep on plugging away while I try to live with the new memories and try to deal with my CPTSD symptoms. Until next time, love to you all.